Maybe this is really a long time coming teen rebellion. Maybe it’s my Holden Caulfield moment. Maybe I have self destructive tendencies. Maybe I am scared of moving forward, scared of taking on any kind of responsibilities because I’m afraid I’m going to end up with a life that’s as disappointing as my parents’.
That actually sort of makes sense.
Oh, I’ll try and come off as this intellectual person, all into books, and culture and the theater and all. And I am into all these things. But well so are a lot of people. And because I did well in school my family was always saying how smart I am. It’s not about that. It’s not like I’m a genius. My IQ is like 133 which means one in ten-or maybe twenty, can’t recall- people are as smart as I am. So, no Nobel prizes coming my way. But as I was saying, school is NOT about intelligence. It’s about dedication. I had plenty of that.
Not anymore.
You know the more I think about it, the more I’m inclined to think I’m just panicking. And I’m not trying to trivialize anything. It’s a big kind of panic. A paralyzing kind. You know, I should really tell my therapist. This could be a break through.
Mood: 
tired
Music: Come undone by Robbie Williams (“I’m not afraid of dying I just don’t want to/ if I stop lying then I’ll just disappoint you…”)
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