I hate how my mother expects me to trust her after letting me down again and again. Oh, there’s always an excuse, and it somehow always involve my father and how he’s not giving her enough money, and it’s certainly never her fault and she apologizes and cries her eyes out and promises to try not to disappoint me. Whatever. Lies.

It’s sad really when you have noone to turn to, nobody you can trust, and nobody who really cares enough to ask about your problems and be willing to hear about them. Oh sure my mother never forgets to ask, but would she listen? No one likes to realize they’re failing. They say the people who stick around are the ones who care (Veronica Mars, season 2, episode 6) but sometimes it looks like my mother sticks around because she doesn’t have anywhere else to go. Am I supposed to feel loved and cherished that I’m someone’s choice when they’re basically trapped into it? And my mother, ever The Victim, looks at me with a pretentiously understanding smile, as if I’m too young and selfish and silly and “going through a phase” and I’ll “grow out of it” and someday I’ll look back and recognize all the sacrifices she’s made, and someone call the Pope to have her registered as a contemporary saint.

She says she put her children first and stayed (self sacrificing altruistic saint that she is), but you have to wonder. Would we have turned out as problematic as we are if she’d just left us the fuck alone? It was like lessons in Nazism only instead of hating Jews or homosexuals or whatever we were learning to hate our father. Lesson one: your father hates you. Lesson two: your mother is the kindest woman on earth and you shall do her biding. Lesson three: your father is a money-making machine and he never gives you anything because he spends it on his mistress. Lesson four: your father beat up your mother (he hit her once or twice to my knowledge, but she didn’t take it lying down). Lesson five: your father used to beat you up until one day your mother grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him “if he ever laid a finger on her children ever again” (the fact that she waited a couple of years to decide to say something is of course exonerated due to her decision to stop The Tyrant from using his belts on his SIX and FIVE YEAR OLD daughters).

Fools and hypocrites, the both of them. The difference is my father actually believes what he did was for our benefit, while I am certain my mother knows that a lot of her actions were only meant to promote her petty agenda. That didn’t stop her at all. Can you wrap your mind around it? She KNOWINGLY hurt her children and continues to do so. A million times I have explained the last five years that it HURTS me to hear her call my father names. Does she stop? Does she even TRY??

Of course not.

Crash course in life: nobody will care. The only person you may rely on is yourself.

Your parents won’t care and your so-called friends won’t care and your acquaintances won’t care and your neighbors will most certainly not care.

Lesson recap: you are alone.

Mood: resigned

Now playing in the background: Hum Halleluiah by Fall Out Boy (“I thought I loved you…it was just how you looked in the light”)